Caliente.

Woi, you think people got no homework to do is it : P

So basically, I have moved to charliebadabooom.wordpress.com. So that’s badabooOm, not badaboom. From now on every time I start an interesting new phase of my life I’m going to make a new blog and add another ‘o’ inside, so by the time I’m 80-something the address probably won’t even fit into your search bar.

There’s nothing there yet because if I don’t finish my fucking paper by today I can say goodbye to passing my Anthropology. So sabar, sabar.

Btw, can someone please give me a good heads up on what the hell happened to Raja Petra Kamaruddin. I read some stuff on Malaysiakini but I didn’t have enough time to look around in other places. So please, if you are willing, tell me about what the crap the government is trying to pull.

My gods, why do I keep saying ’so’?? Like those horrible Prosa Tradisional things. Maka this maka that, haiyah. Actually, I’m so homesick that I wouldn’t even mind reading one again. Especially if it’s Sabor.

Oi.

I’m still here : P Just got my laptop, so my new blog will be up soon once I stop being deluged with things to attend.

I’ll be moving to a new blog address soon. Still WordPress of course, because everything else just blows. For those of you who still (amazingly enough) check this space, keep doing just that

Northfield is lovely, by the way.

I won’t lie; I’m very tired. Both physically and emotionally because I can’t get to sleep now (in fact it’s worse than it was back when I was in college) and the things that I am trying to repair are not getting fixed at all, so if you talk to me and I snap at you over something silly, I apologise (in advance).

Things are becoming so weird that I almost wish uni would come faster, so schoolwork could make my mind too tired to think about anything : | Or maybe I could just put my head through a window, haha.

Eh scary anot – 5 times

Oh my god dowan la scary ah – 3 times

You sure anot, scary anot – 3 times

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH- 16 times

Don’t worry la guys I had fun : P

I woke up this morning and had a fantastic revelation. Well actually no. It was a rerun of a recent epiphany, except with glitzier special effects and a better soundtrack. Something that reinforced my previous convictions. Something that made me realise what a complete and utter TOOL I’ve been all these years.

You know… for the longest time I’ve been dying to come out with this in the open. But a meek (and coincidentally high-pitched) voice at the back of my head kept saying “No, this is not the time. You need to think about their feelings.”. Well, fuck that, sweetheart. The feelings of these people are now inconsequential to me.

So here we go.

I have some questions for all of my blog readers. Do you have ‘friends’ who hate it when you succeed? So-called chums who make sour faces or dismissive remarks whenever you show a sign of being better than them in something? Do these ‘friends’ also surreptitiously try to hold you back? Do they mentally sabotage you, making you believe that you can’t do something? That it’s out of your league? Because, apparently, you’re being too ‘arrogant’?

I have plenty of these ‘friends’. Until recently, I searched the sanguine, Mordor-esque depths of my soul for reasons to justify their behaviour. Oh, maybe they were brought up to be excessively competitive. Maybe their parents never gave them a break. Maybe I’m just an overbearing asshole. Wah, wah. Boohoo.

Just what the fuck was I thinking?

The act of holding your own friend back to preserve your own fragile self-esteem can never be justified. It can never be made to look right, because the fact remains that it IS NOT RIGHT. A true friend never expects someone to stay in the pits with him just so his misery can have some company. A true friend never tries to prevent someone from living her life to the fullest.

I fully acknowledge the fact that I am a bastard when it comes to some things. I give my opinions freely and I don’t always word them in the most diplomatic of ways. I am openly disdainful of people I think are empty-headed and superficial (admittedly there have been many times when my impressions have been proven to be dead wrong). I have even blamed some of my farts on unsuspecting companions sitting next to me. But I can safely say that I have never, ever been the kind of spineless, conniving sycophant that pulls a good friend down to her level to appease her chasm-like insecurity.

You know, I just finished my A Levels programme. Over the past one and a half years I’ve had to do some serious soul-searching thanks to the gruelling, merciless US and UK university applications. And unfortunately said soul-searching still led to countless rejections from many great institutions, no thanks to my horrible forecast results and sub-par ECA involvement. But one great thing that came out of it was the realisation that I’ve been holding myself back way too much for other people.

Through the years of my life, I’ve been with countless people I thought were real friends. They were nice to me, gave me their time and companionship, listened to my stupid problems, laughed at my execrable jokes.. But there was one gaping flaw in the relationship. They hated it when I showed any sign of being good (not even ‘better’! Just good.) at something. Regardless of whether it was writing, drawing, music, even math (a subject anyone can be good at IMO with a considerable amount of work), they really couldn’t stand it when I was praised for drawing a nice picture, or when I was called to join several essay-writing competitions because teachers felt I had some talent.

It really hurt each time I did something great for myself and they completely begrudged me the satisfaction, refusing to even feel a little happy for me. But I still told myself: “It’s okay. They’re supposed to be my friends. Even if it means dropping out of a few contests or dumbing yourself down, at least I get to protect their feelings and preserve this friendship.”

So yeah. I held myself back from joining several essay competitions. I chose not to join manga-drawing contests. I refused to take part in debates. In conversations I tried not to, er, ‘use so many big words’ (Yes someone has actually told me that I use too many big words when I said ‘superiority‘. Well guess what honey? It’s not a big word. You’re just stupid.) so that people wouldn’t think I’m trying to show off. I put an incredible amount of effort into making myself look like I had nothing special, just to make sure that my ‘friends’ won’t feel inadequate.

And now what do I have to show for it? A rejection from my dream university, Cambridge. A sorry excuse for a curriculum-vitae. An inability to speak with really good English in interviews (even though I am perfectly capable of doing so) because of all the times I broke my own grammar in two just to sound ‘normal’. And best of all, countless bruises in the ass from all the times I’ve KICKED myself for all the missed opportunities to aim for a prize I have every chance of earning.

But you know what the saddest part of it all is? I can’t blame these ‘friends’. They didn’t tie me to a chair and brainwash me into thinking that I need to pretend to suck. They didn’t rewire my brain circuitry. I was the one who let it all happen.

I sabotaged my own life for people who don’t matter.

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Well, boy do I have some news for all of you. History will not repeat itself. I won’t let it. All these years I’ve been blowing holes in my own boat for other people. Do they appreciate it? Well I don’t know. I sure as hell do not see any gratitude. But yeah, from now on I am taking it all to the limit regardless of what any of you say. I’ve been underselling myself all this time just to cushion the limp derrières of a bunch of mediocre milquetoasts. And you know what? How can I even call these people my ‘friends’? Aren’t friends supposed to want the best for you? Aren’t friends supposed to put your interests before theirs? If they’re not going to think about my feelings, why should I think about theirs?

So, to all the ‘friends’ who anchor themselves to other people and try to pull them down, here is the reality:

Your friend is going to be a great writer. He is going to be a great artist. She is going to be a great musician. He’s going to start a revolution in a third-world country and free the oppressed. She is going to come up with an infallible Physics theory that applies not only to this universe, but other universes as well.

We are going to try to be good at everything and anything because I know that nothing is impossible for people like us. You, being weak, will never understand. And you know what the funniest part is?

There is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

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With love,

Charlie.

PS. Let the flames come in : D I’ve been dying for something to do!

I can’t seem to write anymore, goddammit

Eh, which lifeless fella went and googled Nick Quah’s name everyday ah. If it’s a girl then Nick: prepare to feel some of that good ol’ ego inflation. If it’s a guy.. well, knowing you, you’d be happy anyway.

Ok ok. I’m not going to delay this any longer! Here is Part Two of the Ode to PE5. And just in case it really happens, don’t feel bad about being in the second part instead of the first k : P It’s not that I don’t like you so much. I just didn’t have anything to write about you at first.

Here we go!

Sook Hwa: Our cravings are so similar!

Let’s go to a nice Thai place

and drink tom yam till we faint

(But secretly, to save face).

Yun Xin: You are one sensitive chick!

Sorry if I seem real cold.

I actually like you quite alot.

Your good points are manifold. ; )

Ewe Jin: Ah, you’re the big macho guy

Who could snap someone in two.

Now I think you’re pretty fun;

At first I was pretty scared of you : P

Boon Hau: You struck me as the ‘bruiser’ type.

Thank god you proved me wrong.

You are a real brick, you know?

As friendly as you’re strong.

Shana: Work hard on your painting skills!

I can tell you’ll be a hit.

But when you’re famous keep in mind:

Most critics are full of shit : P

And that’s all. I haven’t talked to the others all that much, so I really don’t know what to say about them. But I still wish you all the best with whatever you do. Unless it’s something that ticks me off. : P

Now back to bed. I’d love to stick around and gab some more but my head is really killing me….

And so college officially ended last Friday with a whizz-bang-swoosh. By that I mean it went by quickly and magnificently. : ) I haven’t had that much fun in a long, long time.

So here’s the thing. Despite the fact that I’ve complained countless times about life in Taylors, the truth goes something like this: I really really like my classmates. Sure there were times when I got irritated with a few of the guys, but I have never hated or disliked anyone in PE5. Yeah now’s the time for you guys to give yourselves some ingratiating pats on the back. You people really are that nice.

Since I haven’t resized any of the pictures I took (the number of which comes up to about 50, I think : P), here’s a little something I’ve written for everyone in PE5 who means something to me. A little poem to show you how I feel for you. : )

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I wrote a verse for practically every single classmate! So I’m separating it all into two parts. : ) Here’s the first half.

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Sheau Young: You’re the girl that everyone likes!

Initially quiet on first glance..

But your warmth and kindness shows

At almost every given chance.

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Cheeps Tan : P : The most spirited guy I’ve ever met!

He’s a man who’ll make his mark.

Nothing’s too tough for this brave chap

Whose bite is far worse than his bark.

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Beatrice: Oh my god your freaking jokes

Almost made me wet my pants.

Your cheerfulness is an antidote

To every emo circumstance.

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Fuckie / Yong Han: You’re way too blunt for your own good : P

But I actually kind of respect that.

You’re not afraid to speak your mind

When someone’s being a complete prat.

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Tan Hui Eng: Shana’s right! You’re smoking hot.

I have a feeling she’d ask you out.

Smart and strong and really cool,

You are great, without a doubt.

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Joyce: Your voice is damn relaxing!

It’s like you got some superpower.

But you’d better give me more sweets!

Especially if they’re purple and sour.

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Jo Ying: Sometimes you can be scary..

Because you remind me of my mom.

But despite that, I like you!

You are a dependable chum.

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Sook Voon: I think your jokes are quite smart!

(Ignore your audience if they groan)

With your charming character,

You will never, ever be alone.

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Joanna: At first I couldn’t really talk to you.

Now I enjoy our time together.

I hope you enjoy your uni years..

I assure you, it’s been a pleasure. : )

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Kok Hao: Do you even read this blog?

Probably not : P But anyway..

Without fail, you come to school

With blurness always on display.

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Nick Quah: What can I say? It’s been fun.

Good luck with your filming stuff.

And please don’t watch Black Books;

You’re already weird enough.

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Kin Keong: I mis-spelt ‘Kin’ for a year!

But you’re too nice to get all mad.

Your secret weapon: your sad eyes

Make the hardest of hearts feel bad.

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Goh Yuan: Though you can be a little loud,

Sorry for yelling at you : P

And being a gigantic hypocrite:

It’s not like I don’t talk loud too.

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Ewe Jin: You look like that Korean star

Who acted in April Snow!

But hey, with your charisma,

You might end up with your own show. : )

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Shing Vee: Man you are so bloody calm.

Have you ever lost control?

If it does happen, warn me first.

I’ll don some Kevlar and find a hole.

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Part two tomorrow. : )